These two pictures represent: sanctuary; stealing away; self-embrace; a resuscitation of self...a gathering of my pieces.
If you look closely, Elijah is on the monitor asleep in his crib. Joaquin is floating away to dreamland in his vibrating swing, and this means mommy has time to exhale. :)
I had it on my to-do list to update the blog today and I planned on writing about the boys recent well-baby visits to the doctor, updating their growth stats and the like. However, after reading my daily devotional for today I changed my plans. I think it is time for a little needed personal reflection.
Really, I should do it more often—look at my own life—but, it seems that even my spare moments are focused on others (i.e. one of the 3 main guys in my life). But, the wonderful women writer, Sarah Ban Breathnach, in her book Simple Abundance, a Daybook of Comfort and Joy, reminded me to be still and listen deeply for a moment to know if my authentic self is following a “path with heart”. So, I decided I wanted to write a bit. Just get my own thoughts out on paper, or screen in this case, like I so often used to.
I used to be such a journal-er. Always finding solace in seeing my feelings in black ink. But over the years my need for that form of expression has seemed to slow. I’m not sure if it is being married and feeling like I have someone, more or less, to be my own sounding board of neurotic ideas, or if I just haven’t had the time….probably a little of both. But today, with Ian in California for the weekend, the kids asleep, I felt like writing.
I know I have said it before but motherhood and my current place in life gives me such a soft contentment. I feel more like myself than I ever have, although I hope that my SELF is always growing and changing, I am truly enjoying this section of “this trip” (as my father calls life).
I feel thankful. Grateful. Content, which is something I can remember praying for for a long time.
It seems that youth is so full of longing. There is just an underlying sensation of angst beneath the surface of everything. Emotions run frantic and seem to splay in every direction of your life.
But now, having reached the lip of 30, I feel like my inner self is in harmony with my outer self and that feels so good, so relaxing, so peace-giving, calming, joyful, and restful. A tangible heart-sigh.
I love being a wife, a mother, and a photographer. My desire to create is fulfilled by photography, cooking, and playing with my kids. My passion keeps me learning, reading, and traveling. I have dear friends and am connecting with old ones daily. There never seems to be a shortage of beauty around me. I love that mystery vine that the previous homeowners planted on our side fence. It has taken over one of the windows on the side of our living room wall and this time of year I see the bright orange blooms and vibrant green leaves every time I lay on my side of the bed with the door open in to the living room.
I’m learning to paint my every day the way I choose. I can see reality any way I want to. No one else has my life or my eyes. For, ”Each of us possesses an exquisite, extraordinary gift: the opportunity to give expression to God on earth through our everyday lives. When we choose to honor this priceless gift, we participate in the re-creation of the world.”
If you are reading this you are probably a part of my life in one way or another.
Thank you for playing your part. I so enjoy that you're on this "trip" with me!
OK, that’s it for today. I’m going to go hold my baby boy now.
But I’ll leave you with an inspiring word from the monk, Thich Nhat Hanh:
“Our own life is the instrument with which we experiment with truth.”
In genuine love and laughter,